The Trainer (aka Start Playing with Yourself!)

As a 9-5’er the winter affords few opportunities to log any sincere form of training miles. Weather permitting, the weekend generally offers the best shot at any extensive base miles, and aside from regular commuting and riding to the store (with coats, gloves, shoe covers and the like) the miles are hard to come by. Fortunately for the eager cyclist in training the great almighty gave us trainers. Riding the trainer equates nicely to running on a treadmill or other activities one might do by themselves to get by until the real thing. Like running on a treadmill (or whatever you may do alone), no one enjoys having to do it but it gets the job done when you’ve got few other options. The worst part about riding on a trainer has to be the sheer boredom of being locked to a machine flailing away with little to show of your progress. Bikes are made to go places! There's no wind on the trainer, no speed, no coasting!  So to help with the monotony of trainerdom I’ve compiled this list of things one can do to spice up that time in the basement while you play with yourself.

1. Train with a video or workout routine. This helps simulate actual riding or helps to keep your mind focused on actually working.
2. Watch TV. You can sprint during the commercials or do intervals until commercials.
3. Watch a movie. This helps if you’re going for serious length…try Dances with Wolves or Titanic or some other 3+ hour film if you can make it that long (not due to the riding).
4. Watch old race videos (bike porn). This can be very entertaining if you can get past the idea that you’re not actually in the Giro, you never will be, riding your 53-11 while your dog stares at you is not the same as sitting in with the Schleck brothers and that blonde just doesn’t have any interest in you…she makes those noises for everyone.
5. Listen to music. Music can assist in varying tempo and cadence. Listen to music you can’t stand…it makes you ride harder.
6. Sit in silence. Silence is golden.
7. Sit in silence in the dark and pretend you’re riding at night…or in a cave.
8. Read a book or magazine. I sweat like a beast no matter what so this really isn’t viable for me unless I read those 10 page plastic baby books that you can sweat, drool or chew on.
9. Share your pain with a friend. Why suffer alone? Invite one of your cycling pals over to sit on their trainer with you: misery loves company.
10. Create an inspirational PowerPoint and play it through your TV. Images could include the sad, cherub like expression of World Champion Cadel Evans; a crack pipe and 40oz bottle of Colt 45 to remind you of the fun you could be having with Tom Boonen; a picture of Jens Voigt’s scarred face to remind you you’re not even half as tough as Jens—maybe not even a quarter as tough; highlights of Alberto flying up TDF mountain stages humiliating both you and the peloton; images of 14 year old Little Aussie kids who are already better than you will ever be…ever…even with rockets on your bike.
11. You could update your Twitter account every 5 min in Lance Armstrong fashion: “I’m still riding on my trainer.” “Mary Kate’s coming over in an hour.” “We’re having sandwiches.”
12. Close your eyes and imagine you’re being chased by Dodge Ram pickup trucks, rabid dogs or triathletes—“No Mr. BadForm McTriBars you will not pass me…You will not!”
13. Listen to a book on tape, like “Its Not About The Bike” or “Harry Potter” or “I’m Not Riding By Myself In The Basement Because I’m A Loser With No Friends…Really.”
14. Get some Rosetta Stone CD’s and learn Italian or French so you can impress your local group ride with how Euro you are. And then when they drop you, you can say “Merde!” with a great accent.
15. Ride in TT position. Then after a half hour remind yourself how stupid you are to be on a trainer in TT position—stupid but aero!
16. Put your trainer in your garage or on the porch. Then it is like riding outside but sort of cheating.  But while freezing your ass off you'll remember why you got on the trainer in the first place.
17. Ride your trainer while you play Wii games…then its double the illusion of exercise.
18. Ride your trainer and watch non-cycling sports. This is actually very interesting because you see other people exercising, but they’re not doing your sport, yet you feel strangely connected to them...even though you have never figure skated in your life.
19. Put some cookies in the oven and ride your trainer in the kitchen. This is much like that sect of Catholicism that believes in self flagellation: you should be punished for your sins.
20. Put your bike on the trainer and then go do something else. This accomplishes little to nothing in terms of working out or training…but really it’s the only way the trainer is even remotely enjoyable.