Police in Boulder Colorado are currently on the watch for a cyclist with shaved legs who stole some coffee and maybe some cash from a Boulder coffee shop. This actually made local news here in Denver…at least the web versions of it (aren't we still fighting a war or something, dumping oil into the ocean and our economy's in the shitter?) But I have to say I’m quite pleased with the due attention this important case was given by our great local media sources. Consider this my Crime Stoppers tip of the week: we’ve got to find this shaved legged, bike riding, coffee thieving bastard. Some of you have probably heard my rants about cyclists running stop lights and acting like lawless brigands, giving the rest of us decent upstanding bike riders a bad name. That running stop signs crap is child's play compared to this most recent lawlessness. Just think about it, now when Miranda or Randal go to Starbucks to get that 3rd grande latte of the day before climbing back into their Cadillac SUV for the trek to little Johnny or Madeline’s soccer game, they’re now going to eye the cyclist standing outside the door with undue suspicion. They’re going to scan down to see if the legs are indeed shaved. They’ll hold their latte tighter, pressing their sweaty palm firmly against the cardboard insulator...they might even burn themselves a bit. Their heart will start to race, and it won’t be due to the caffeine or complex sugars coursing through their system. It will be panic, or rage or smugness, or all three take your pick. They might frantically tell their child to get back in the safety of their car: cars are very safe. They’ll whisper to Karen from pilates about the shorn legged, Chrome bagged hipster at the door mysteriously eying the skinny, half-caff, no-foam cappu being whipped up by Devon behind the counter. Hell, they might even start packing heat, and they sure as freakin' hell won’t give 3 feet to pass now that one of ’us’ has started ripping off their damned fancy coffee drinks!!! Oh shaved legged coffee bandit you’ve gone too far! You’ve woken the sleeping giant by poking its slovenly gut with a knuckle tatted fist and track-standing on its thoughtless head. I hope the cops find you and punish you to the fullest extent of the law. You will pay that $3.75 and you will be made an example of; through your punishment we cyclists will all find redemption…like Morgan Freeman and the white guy from that prison movie. I for one will not be able to shave my legs until you are caught, road rash and stubble be damned…plus I nabbed a bagel the other day and I hope that if the bagel shop catches on they’ll pin that crap on you.
Viva La Revolution…700c’s going round and round and round….
Happy Saturday from Denver...its smooth legged, cycling anarchy out here...sweet!
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