Oh, you horny baby?

Picture this:

Cyclist heads down residential street towards a three way stop; the road he’s on either turns right or left at the stop sign. He sits about 100ft from the sign moving at a relatively respectable pace for a guy on a commuter toting dress slacks and shirt, a lunch and running shoes. A car poised at the stop in front of him delays a bit before making its turn; now about 75ft out from the stop. From behind him the cyclist hears the hum of a motor and the distinct sound of acceleration. To hold his rightful spot in traffic, and signal his intent to turn left at the stop, the cyclist gives a glance back to see how much room there is, sticks out his left hand indicating he’s coming over and at this point coasts to the stop. Track stand, glance right, then left, and onward: no harm no foul right? Once the Toyota RAV 4, or some such equivalent, makes its turn the driver proceeds up behind the cyclist and hits the horn before driving past. WTF!?!

I can appreciate that the horn was designed for a distinct purpose, to allow motorists to communicate to other motorists that they may be in danger of collision. It apparently also works well to tell people in houses that you’re impatiently sitting out front idling and racking up greenhouse gases, but I digress. But with our over personification of vehicles as extensions of our very being, the horn has become a stand in for our loud mouths or lewd gestures (sometimes you still get the gestures.) Yet, I’ve rarely been honked at while driving. It has happened of course, but few and far between and usually I did deserve it. On the other hand I get honked at while cycling all the time. What is it about a guy on a bike that instigates some type of ‘vocal’ response from a driver via their horn?

I SELDOM ride in the middle of traffic, the exceptions being there’s something in the shoulder or I’m keeping pace with the cars in front or behind me. When its crappy and icy you bet your beeping horn I’m going to enter traffic (safely) to avoid ice on the side of the road. Similarly, because I’m generally faster than rush hour traffic downtown, if I’m riding around 15th, Larimer, Wazee etc in Denver, then I’m in the lane. I can hold 25-30mph long enough to hit the next light just like any car. I’m no Lance Armstrong but I can move a bike with authority when needs be. So there should be no reason to honk. People don’t honk at school buses slowing to pick up kids (no one did this morning), yet these large yellow vessels are clearly impeding their flow of motion. They likely wouldn’t honk at a geriatric barely hitting the speed limit; I suppose some might. A driver wouldn’t be apt to honk at farm or construction equipment driving on the shoulder, half in the lane, half out of it. So why honk at a bicyclist? Cars don’t honk at kids playing, people walking, joggers, ice cream trucks, police cars or UPS guys….all of which could be impeding their beloved right of way more than any cyclist…it just doesn’t make any sense!

Sometimes the honk is clearly a message that the driver is excited to see people on bikes. I’ve been honked at by people I know and I’ve been honked and waved at by total strangers who just think someone on a bike is a cool thing. I suppose I can accept this, however not expecting the blare (or gentle toot) of a horn from behind, you never know if you’re getting honked at out of love or out of a warning that you should consider your last rites: “How fast can YOU say the Lord’s Prayer before my bumper knocks the shit out of you.” And then there are clearly the jerk honkers…they honk cause they’re intimidated and angry at people on bikes and obviously lack the self control to just shut the hell up and get on with their lives. They perceive some sort of infraction against their beloved rolling steel cage on the part of the bicyclist, so they feel obligated to speak in its defense. “MY RAV 4 is precious and you made me stop at a stop sign…rot in hell @$%#%^$!#!” I can’t get my head around it, but it perturbs me greatly. When honked at I used to respond in turn with the bicyclist horn; usually some obscene gesture and ignorant comment. Now I just ignore it: what’s the point? Maybe eventually I will just be able to shrug it off…then again, maybe not.

On an unrelated note, I want to doff my hat to the mid 40’s, male pattern baldness driver of the Khaki (that’s Jeep’s official color) colored Jeep Wrangler Sport with black soft top at 26th and Kipling last night. We sat at the light, me behind you and waited for the drag race to begin. I totally thought I had the edge with my incredible capacity to overtake speeding cars... from behind…being a super-human bicyclist and rocking a 48X11 on my Surly and all. When you had to stop for that car turning left across from Gold’s Grocery I thought it was over and in the bag. Yet you put me in my place with your crunchy, hasty shifting, bat out of hell acceleration around the turning car from behind me in the bike lane. I thought I had your 6 cylinder 200+ horse engine beat over that mile before my turn but clearly should have thought again. You destroyed me and my manhood. I’ll never be able to look at my wife again and feel comfortable in my sexuality knowing that you and your large gas pedal are out there waiting to embarrass me again. This will inevitably ruin my marriage and my life...I'm looking at Enzyte ads now just to compensate, but it will never be enough. How foolish I was. It will never, ever, ever happen again. If I see you I will just pull over and vomit on my shoes in terror and deference…like a scared dog that wets itself upon first meeting strangers. Thanks for teaching me such a valuable lesson. (PS… I gladly would have testified in court on behalf of that Mazda who didn’t signal to turn left at Miller had your weak willed, small packaged, dumb-out-of-control-speeding-in-a-residential-area ass rear ended them…it looked close from where I stood, way too close for a freaking drive home. Hope your race home was worth it to get indoors so you could spank it alone to soft core porn on Skin-emax and visions of how you "beat that bicyclist"you loser. You’re a douche bag; likely always have been and likely always will be. And now everyone reading this will know it too.)