Will Bike for Food

In honor of Cesar Chavez day today, I did not have to go to work. I think my employer just might be the only one to recognize the 29th of March as an actual holiday, but really you will get no argument from me. As I traveled the winding roads north of Golden to meet some friends for a ride, I succumbed to the allure of carless streets, the quiet of the morning, and the signs of spring all around me. How could I miss the serenity of such a ride? What could possibly keep me from enjoying such a tour day after day?—oh yeah, work!

So consider this post my official “Will Bike for Food” sign. I will ride my bike in exchange for food so I don’t have to work for it. Any takers? Here are some of the jobs I’d be willing to do in the service of riding my bike:

• Pro Tour Racer: While I lost the dream of being a pro cyclist years ago, if any pro team would like a 30 something amateur grunt to add to their arsenal consider me your man. I’m undertrained, in my 30’s, a CAT3…did I mention undertrained? I would consider it an honor to be off the back of any pro tour team; salary and benefits negotiable.
• Bike Messenger: I would consider being a bike messenger. I will however insist on riding a bike with gears as I believe in Darwin and the theory of evolution…the derailleur is good. It would be a great excuse for getting a Chrome bag though, not too shabby.
• Velo-Cab Driver: I would gladly drive one of those pedicabs around, however I’m not good at chit-chat so fares should have no expectation of pleasant banter or idle rambling.
• Bike cop: ride around on a bike, with a weapon and exact justice on the unsuspecting, lawless scum of Denver. SIGN ME UP! I’d like a red bike though, and a siren and maybe a cape.
• Shoot videos for Training Peaks: Now this has to be the sweetest gig in all of cycling. You ride around with a dork camera on your head and take rider-perspective video of roads. The Training Peaks folks then take your video and add it to a computer simulation for training. I could easily do this. I know lots of great routes…and would travel to Europe to ride if you really insist on it.
• Gear tester: I’d ride around all day to log countless miles on some company’s tires just so they could stick a “Tested by #17” sticker on the inside…oh they do that testing in a lab…bummer. Well if there’s a job for riding around and giving my opinion on gear I’d consider that as well.
• Bike tour guide: I think this would be a pretty sweet gig too. It would be like being on a group ride—all the time. The hard part would be indulging the touristy and out of shape set with their incessant demands for breaks and photo opportunities. And to think they’re paying to ride bikes…why would they want to stop so much?
• Charity bike rider: If some group, I don’t care which one, wants to sponsor me to ride around and take pictures of my travels for their ‘cause’ I’d sign on with their agenda without a second thought. (Now I suppose this isn’t entirely true. I’m an opinionated SOB so I couldn’t stomach some of the crap churned out by the ‘free thought’ mass of bigoted, crackpot, nut jobs out there. But if there’s a group of tree huggin’, dirt worshippin’, bike lovers out there looking for a rolling billboard give me a shout!)
• Gypsy: Do they still have gypsies? Are there bike gypsies? Maybe I could be the first.
• Corporate whore: That’s right: slap a logo on my back and I'm yours. The price is cheap: food for me...and my wife too I suppose…and maybe some help with the mortgage…and gear money. But hey that's a bargain in exchange for freely pimping myself out for your product, no matter how crappy. You make ugly jerseys with rock band art and fake tattoos and junk on the sleeves…I’ll rock out that Pink Floyd swag and make it look good. You have a new bottle design…I’ll drink from it. You hand stitch panniers out of yak skin…I’ll pack up my junk and show everyone how yak is the new cordura nylon. Want to make an organic, compostable shammy...I'll put my ass on the line for it.  Have a new phone app or other tech gizmo that measures power, heart rate, blood pressure, sweat loss, carb consumption, and pee acidity…just call me the pee acid king.
• Self absorbed bike blogger: This would be the greatest gig ever. You get to be all high, mighty and arrogant about how superior your mode of transportation is compared to all the others. You can gripe about the weather, traffic and people who ride aero bars on the bike path. You get to look down on all the ‘unworthy’ masses and dispense your wit and wisdom from high atop your shiny new Brooks saddle. People love you and hate you all at the same time, and you could care less because you’re out riding your bike and cleansing your conscience all at the same time. What a sweet gig…one can only hope!